(Jun 22nd Note – This post was written last week but I hesitated to publish it until now.)
“I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. ” (Frodo Baggins in the LOTR)
That’s how I feel right now.
It’s scandalous to say. I’ve just finished editing Battle for the Throne. I’m only waiting for some technical issues to be resolved before sending the book to print in August. You’d think I’d be riding on a cloud of jubilation.
I’m weary and discouraged. I’ve tried abandoning ship with my writing (yet again), only to recall that that will never work. Without my pen, I lack purpose. I just exist.
So, I’ve embarked on writing Book 4, this book I’ve so long looked forward to writing. And now I wonder how on earth I’m going to survive writing it.
The ideas are there. Goodness, I even have an idea of the theme(s) I want to convey in this book. (Usually that comes later.) But my writing itself feels stale and flat. There’s no joy to be found in putting words on paper.
The encouragement of (most) people only adds pressure. I feel like I need to act happy for them about having another book finally done. In truth, the thought of people saying how eager they are to read my work only makes me cringe. It’s like I’m a machine that churns out words for the benefit of others.
And if I do talk about my struggles… Ugh. I don’t know about you, but I hate it when people say they’re worried about me. Their emotional response feels constricting, like they’re trying to control me. It causes me to lose trust in them and to shut down.
Or there are those who offer advice and reassurance, pointing out how much I’ve accomplished. They act as if what I’m dealing with is a passing struggle. Admittedly, it almost certainly is. But it doesn’t feel like it. And again, I close down as I find that yet another person is failing to listen.
I wish I knew when this would end. My path lies clear before me. I am to keep writing. It’s what I’m called to do.
But when will the joy of writing return? Will it return? Or is the next book going to be a repeat of my experience writing Book 3?
Battle for the Throne…
This book is too well-named. The title aptly sums up the experience of writing the book. Almost every part of the process has been a bitter, lonesome struggle.
It hasn’t been a waste. I can tell that I’ve produced a quality work, one I dare say is better than its predecessors. And this whilst drawing less satisfaction from the writing process overall.
Still, if there’s no joy to be drawn from the writing, why press on? Oh, I know my writing’s still of value. The struggle, too, has strengthened me.
But I am tired and discouraged. I just want it to end. I want to enjoy writing again.